There is hope.....

I have avoided this post for quite some time, I haven't even looked at my blog because I knew it would be inevitable that I would obviously have to explain my absence. I'm now a year older and living with a void. A void that quite simply will never ever be filled.

For the most part I am a happy, bubbly, bright, creative person, & I am all these things because of two people, my Father & my Grandpa. Two of the most amazing men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and spending time with. It pains me to bring myself to write this but my Dad, my Father, the main part of my life, the person who rang me every day, the person that made me tea every morning, the person that cuddled me when I cried, the person that drove all over Britain to take me on photography adventures, the person that watched films with me that no-one else would, the person that stood in the garden in the dark with me in the winter to take long exposure photos, the person that hollowed pumpkins with me on halloween, the person that swam two miles out to sea with me in Ibiza so I could snorkel, the person that took me kayaking in the sea, the person that took me to college in the rain when I didn't want to wait at the bus stop, the person that used to laugh at stupid things with me and the person that fundamentally meant the world to me.....is gone. My Dad, my amazing Father passed away on holiday in Greece on September the 5th 2013. 

I.......I don't know what to say or what to tell you. I'm crying & trying to write but it's hard. Life is hard.

People lie to you when they say "it will get better"....it doesn't. Life doesn't get better, you don't forget, you constantly pine for something you can never have and sorry be blunt but it's fucking shit. Life is shit. You can have everything, a beautiful home, a gorgeous fiance, a furry little family of cats and a dog, but the one thing that you want, you can't have. I will never have a phone call from my Dad again, I will never hear his voice again, He won't ever annoy me by nagging me to get him Joes Ice cream again, he won't ever ring me on my birthday at 6AM to sing happy birthday to me again. I can't put in to words how much I miss him, and from September the 5th 2013 I felt like nothing would ever be the same again.

But today, the 6th of May 2014, I felt something happen. I felt happy, I felt like the world isn't that rubbish after all. I could hear the birds tweeting & singing...& I felt happy, really happy. I haven't taken anti depressant tablets since January & only now does it feel like I've woken up from a terrible nightmare.

Yes life will never been the same again, but my Dad wouldn't want me to sit here aging each year having nothing to show for it. Life is hard, & sometimes it feels like I have nothing left to give, but I do. I am a good person, I am happy, I am creative, I am caring, I am honest, I am loyal & I am ME. I'm not going to wear a fake smile anymore or be the person I think My Mother wants me to be because that'll make everyone happy to see me smiling & thinking "awh isn't it nice that she's happy even with her Dad gone"....no, I'm not happy that my Dads not hear but I have to deal with it. Just like the rest of the world gets delt a shit hand every single day. I'm not OK but I am happy &  I am thankful that I Martyn quite possibly one of the most caring & amazing people in the world, my Dad loved Martyn like he was a son & I know that I will be OK and Life does get easier.

I felt compelled to sit & write this blog post, I have no idea why, & I don't really care if anyone reads it but there is something about writing all this down that feel better, like there is a small weight lifted.

If someone does happen to read this and you have lost someone amazing, I won't lie to you, it's not going to be ok.....but it does get easier. & when you're at your at your darkest, just think of what that person would think or say to you, there are two things my Dad always used to say to me "don't lose hope" & "don't let the bastards get you down".....fuck everyone else & do what makes YOU happy. I've learnt to appreciate the little things in life, & as long as you are happy then there is always hope & light.
 I can look at photos without crying, I can think of happy memories & laugh & one thing I know for sure is my Dad loved me being creative & using my energy to be creative  I will be. I will blog more, I will go on photography adventures again, I will pain & get messy & I will be happy.

Sorry for how long this post was, & how it's not filled with beautiful fashion or make-up but life is about so so much more, and this blog won't be filled with nonsense posts on what the beast blusher is on the high street & full of shit I've been sent in the post to "review", this is MY blog, & it will be filled with me & things that make me happy.

Also my blog is renamed Little Babe, only two people call me Babe and that's my Dad & Martyn....they also happen to be two of the tallest people I know both standing at over 6FT so it just seemed perfect.