Spring has sprung....

For those wondering this photo was taken in St Fagans

Yes Spring is finally here, I feel like I can shake off all the cobwebs & throw back the curtains. This Easter is our last Easter as an twosome which I find incredible, I can't believe that in 5 weeks time we get to meet little Alffie, the one that has been kicking me none stop & having all sorts of what feels like parties in my belly. I feel like I'm as prepared for Motherhood as I possibly could be & I have no doubt in my mind that Martyn will be nothing less than an amazing Father. I do feel sad that my Dad isn't here to meet his Grandson & play with him & be silly with him like he used to with me, but even if he isn't here he still will be part of his life, not only in his middle name but I will make sure to share all our wonderful adventures & stories with Alffie. I feel like I have heaps still to do, but Martyn has the decorating under control & we have the bulk of things needed as well as a whole wardrobe filled with clothes (Alffie has more clothes than me!!) so it's just a matter of waiting I guess. Just waiting. I'll be sure to show you around his beautiful nursery as soon as Marty finished painting it & I finish faffing around in there (faffing is obviously what I do best). 

I hope you all have a fantastic Easter filled with lots of family merriment & fantastic food. 

Life Lately....

The best yummy homemade hot chocolate ever! Complete with salted caramel & mallows, A healthy yummy breakfast, Cute little fox jumper for Alffie from Boots, Mega curly hair with Mac's Relentlessly Red Lipstick, Valentines day gifts! Some little treats from Debenhams, A messy Gertie before she was groomed & a naught Gertie after!

I thought it had been a while since I had posted a little life update, I haven't been up to all that much lately, mainly thinking about Alffie & getting lots of bits ready for when he's here & packing my hospital bag...what a palava that is turning in to! I think if I took a whole suitcase of stuff with me I'd still manage to forget something! I'm thinking of doing a blog post on what I'm actually taking maybe it will help other soon to be Mums because I know I've struggled terribly. The due date is looming every closer though, D Day is May 12th (fingers crossed he is born on that day or maybe before?!) I know I'm getting more & more anxious as it approaches. 

Moving on from all things preggo related, My beautiful little Gertie had her first grooming session last week, she looks so beautiful but even more gangerly & tiny than before! I miss her messy fluffy mane! If your in South Wales I'd defiantly check out Doggy Do's in Port Talbot not only is it one of the most affordable groomers that I've found but the groomer Simone is so friendly & really has a passion for what she does, she really put my nervous little fluff ball at ease & has done an excellent job. 

I forgot to mention that this valentines I was extremely spoil! Not only did Martyn buy me a gorgeous River Island handbag I'd had my eye on for a while but also he gave me a gorgeous little hamper filled with lots of goodies like chocolates, a mug, Yankee tarts, bucks fizz & more! We had a fantastic meal & snuggled on the sofa all night after a lush bubble bath complete with face masks, we sat & laughed the whole time, it's little moments like that, that make me so happy & really cherish & appreciate how amazing he really is! 

I'll be sure to do one of these updates each month, especially when my phone is groaning at the amount of photos I take! I do love photo diary style blog posts. 

Be Mine This Valentines 2015....

So with January out the way it seems like Valentines day & Easter looms upon us. Part of me loves Valentines day & part of me very much loathes it. I hate to sound like an 87year old granny here but it seems like Valentines day is all about what present your going to get when in actual fact that's so far from from what Valentines day is about it's silly. Granted I have bought the handsome Marty some presents but I haven't gone crazy, if money were no object I'd have a brand new Nissan Qashqai turning up but the reality is things take more of a priority & I honestly believe as long as you do something special no matter how small (I for instance de-iced Martyn's car the s'morning & made him a peanut butter & banana cinnamon bagel) just to let that person know you care, then that is all it's about. So forget about the Michael Kors watch or rings from Pandora & just buy a big box of chocolates, each of your favorite films & snuggle up together! I know we most certainly will be! We decided against going out for a fancy meal & instead I'm cooking the starter & Marty is cooking the main, followed by a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat & our duvet on the sofa....that to me is bliss. Oh & not forgetting a bubble bath & face mask session together. If it's one thing that I've learned that's togetherness is the most important thing, no matter how big or how small a deal you decide to make, as long as your together then that's all that counts. So if your doing something with your Boyfriend, Fiancee, Grandpa, Mother, Best friend, Nanna, Girlfriend or hey even your dog! Just remember I'm with you on the non soppy a dozen roses side of things! 

If you do want some ideas on what to get your other half, I'd say stick to a budget (I know I have!) & remember it's more about the sentiment than the cost. 

Weekly Round Up.....

So nothing too eventful this week the weather has been SO up & down I felt too scared to go out in shorts incase I looked like a nutter walking in the rain with hot pants on. I've very much lazed around, ate good food, enjoyed date night with Martyn & generally just had a nice uneventful week. I have family moving over from America this coming week so I'm filled with butterflies & excitement! I can foresee lots of summertime adventures, ice cream, pamper parties, date nights, shopping trips & tipsey bbqs! I havent seen my cousin & her wonderful husband since Christmas 2012 so as you can imagine I'm on cloud 9! She's like more of a sister than a cousin & has been there for me when I'm in the foulest mood & need cheering up....plus I think she's one of the handful of people that understand my make-up & pinterest obsession so she's a true star in my eyes! 

A weekly round up....

This week has been slightly uneventful (until Sunday!) but here are some highlights;

There has been some gorgeous sunshine this week in Wales but also some horrid thunder storms, so it means when it's sunny you have to grab it with both hands & jump to it! 

We had some lovely tea this week, I'm getting more & more into cooking & having the fridge packed out with fantastic ingredients inspires me even more to get creative & cook something delicious & fresh from scratch. I'm cooking up a storm! 

So it's time I should address the adorable little ball of fluffy also known as Nigel....I didn't pick the name Marty did! Little Nigel was the only little Russian Dwarf Hamster left in the pet shop & he's so precious Martyn refuses to leave him there, so we have a new member to add to the growing list of fluffbutts. 

Finally we had lots of move nights this week especially when the storm hit, nothing is better than a big bowl of popcorn & a snuggle on the sofa during a thunderstorm. 

It's ok to not be ok.....

Firstly I want to start this post by saying exactly with what it's titled, it's ok not to be ok. Don't read this post if you're looking for some guide to depression & bereavement because I don't have the answers that you crave & nor does anyone. The only one that can guide you through your loss or your depression is you, other can help & encourage but fundamentally you're the only one that can sort out this situation. 

As someone who has battled depression for me it was never just a case of having depression taking a few pills & then feeling great, it was the cold bitterness that would always linger that was my problem & still is my problem. Letting go is the hardest & trying to remember someone without feeling angry & hateful is even harder & I'm still getting there! But & it's a big BUT I am getting there. I have days when life is horrid & I hate everyone & the moment I get home I break down & my fake smile crumbles away BUT every isn't like that, my resentment is starting to ease, my hate gets less each day & my bitterness is still very much an on going battle. 

This isn't a blog post telling you life is amazing & great because it isn't, life is hard & comes with lots of bullshit. But life is beautiful. Life is short & life is a battle & you do either sink or swim.....I am very much treading water but it's getting easier & especially so when Martyn throws a rope & pulls me that bit closer. If losing my Dad was a "life lesson" then it's taught me that life is far too short to be wasted, so Carpe Diem & all that bollocks & get yourself out there! Dress up in your favourite clothes, buy that gorgeous item on your wish list, go on silly adventures, get that tattoo, dye your hair that crazy color & do what makes YOU happy. It's hard being miserable all the time & it's even harder faking being happy, but somewhere deep down you know what will make you crack a smile, even if it's just a small one. It's ok to feel bitter & still find something to smile about, I do it on a daily basis, things will start to brighten up, it won't happen overnight but it WILL happen! 

I can only draw on my experiences & how I feel but if you're like me no amount of depression & bereavement pamphlets will help, so do some soul searching & cry! & you will find something to smile about again.....that I can promise! 

There is hope.....

I have avoided this post for quite some time, I haven't even looked at my blog because I knew it would be inevitable that I would obviously have to explain my absence. I'm now a year older and living with a void. A void that quite simply will never ever be filled.

For the most part I am a happy, bubbly, bright, creative person, & I am all these things because of two people, my Father & my Grandpa. Two of the most amazing men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and spending time with. It pains me to bring myself to write this but my Dad, my Father, the main part of my life, the person who rang me every day, the person that made me tea every morning, the person that cuddled me when I cried, the person that drove all over Britain to take me on photography adventures, the person that watched films with me that no-one else would, the person that stood in the garden in the dark with me in the winter to take long exposure photos, the person that hollowed pumpkins with me on halloween, the person that swam two miles out to sea with me in Ibiza so I could snorkel, the person that took me kayaking in the sea, the person that took me to college in the rain when I didn't want to wait at the bus stop, the person that used to laugh at stupid things with me and the person that fundamentally meant the world to me.....is gone. My Dad, my amazing Father passed away on holiday in Greece on September the 5th 2013. 

I.......I don't know what to say or what to tell you. I'm crying & trying to write but it's hard. Life is hard.

People lie to you when they say "it will get better"....it doesn't. Life doesn't get better, you don't forget, you constantly pine for something you can never have and sorry be blunt but it's fucking shit. Life is shit. You can have everything, a beautiful home, a gorgeous fiance, a furry little family of cats and a dog, but the one thing that you want, you can't have. I will never have a phone call from my Dad again, I will never hear his voice again, He won't ever annoy me by nagging me to get him Joes Ice cream again, he won't ever ring me on my birthday at 6AM to sing happy birthday to me again. I can't put in to words how much I miss him, and from September the 5th 2013 I felt like nothing would ever be the same again.

But today, the 6th of May 2014, I felt something happen. I felt happy, I felt like the world isn't that rubbish after all. I could hear the birds tweeting & singing...& I felt happy, really happy. I haven't taken anti depressant tablets since January & only now does it feel like I've woken up from a terrible nightmare.

Yes life will never been the same again, but my Dad wouldn't want me to sit here aging each year having nothing to show for it. Life is hard, & sometimes it feels like I have nothing left to give, but I do. I am a good person, I am happy, I am creative, I am caring, I am honest, I am loyal & I am ME. I'm not going to wear a fake smile anymore or be the person I think My Mother wants me to be because that'll make everyone happy to see me smiling & thinking "awh isn't it nice that she's happy even with her Dad gone"....no, I'm not happy that my Dads not hear but I have to deal with it. Just like the rest of the world gets delt a shit hand every single day. I'm not OK but I am happy &  I am thankful that I Martyn quite possibly one of the most caring & amazing people in the world, my Dad loved Martyn like he was a son & I know that I will be OK and Life does get easier.

I felt compelled to sit & write this blog post, I have no idea why, & I don't really care if anyone reads it but there is something about writing all this down that feel better, like there is a small weight lifted.

If someone does happen to read this and you have lost someone amazing, I won't lie to you, it's not going to be ok.....but it does get easier. & when you're at your at your darkest, just think of what that person would think or say to you, there are two things my Dad always used to say to me "don't lose hope" & "don't let the bastards get you down".....fuck everyone else & do what makes YOU happy. I've learnt to appreciate the little things in life, & as long as you are happy then there is always hope & light.
 I can look at photos without crying, I can think of happy memories & laugh & one thing I know for sure is my Dad loved me being creative & using my energy to be creative  I will be. I will blog more, I will go on photography adventures again, I will pain & get messy & I will be happy.

Sorry for how long this post was, & how it's not filled with beautiful fashion or make-up but life is about so so much more, and this blog won't be filled with nonsense posts on what the beast blusher is on the high street & full of shit I've been sent in the post to "review", this is MY blog, & it will be filled with me & things that make me happy.

Also my blog is renamed Little Babe, only two people call me Babe and that's my Dad & Martyn....they also happen to be two of the tallest people I know both standing at over 6FT so it just seemed perfect.