It's ok to not be ok.....

Firstly I want to start this post by saying exactly with what it's titled, it's ok not to be ok. Don't read this post if you're looking for some guide to depression & bereavement because I don't have the answers that you crave & nor does anyone. The only one that can guide you through your loss or your depression is you, other can help & encourage but fundamentally you're the only one that can sort out this situation. 

As someone who has battled depression for me it was never just a case of having depression taking a few pills & then feeling great, it was the cold bitterness that would always linger that was my problem & still is my problem. Letting go is the hardest & trying to remember someone without feeling angry & hateful is even harder & I'm still getting there! But & it's a big BUT I am getting there. I have days when life is horrid & I hate everyone & the moment I get home I break down & my fake smile crumbles away BUT every isn't like that, my resentment is starting to ease, my hate gets less each day & my bitterness is still very much an on going battle. 

This isn't a blog post telling you life is amazing & great because it isn't, life is hard & comes with lots of bullshit. But life is beautiful. Life is short & life is a battle & you do either sink or swim.....I am very much treading water but it's getting easier & especially so when Martyn throws a rope & pulls me that bit closer. If losing my Dad was a "life lesson" then it's taught me that life is far too short to be wasted, so Carpe Diem & all that bollocks & get yourself out there! Dress up in your favourite clothes, buy that gorgeous item on your wish list, go on silly adventures, get that tattoo, dye your hair that crazy color & do what makes YOU happy. It's hard being miserable all the time & it's even harder faking being happy, but somewhere deep down you know what will make you crack a smile, even if it's just a small one. It's ok to feel bitter & still find something to smile about, I do it on a daily basis, things will start to brighten up, it won't happen overnight but it WILL happen! 

I can only draw on my experiences & how I feel but if you're like me no amount of depression & bereavement pamphlets will help, so do some soul searching & cry! & you will find something to smile about again.....that I can promise! 

Back to black....

There is something about the colour black that just never seems to get old, it doesn't matter how much I wear it or what I wear of it, it just never gets tiresome. These are a few little basic gems that have been catching my eye in Topshop as of late. I'm desperate for some cami's/vests for summer time and Topshop seem to have several different takes on the simple basicness of a cami. I definitely feel these pieces are transferable from day to night & also through to winter layered up. I'm certainly considering buying these pieces which I think will be a wardrobe staple & help carry my inner goth through indecisive summer days. So this brings me on to my next subject which is very much a marmite sort of item....Jelly shoes. I personally LOVE them & love the chunky look of them paired with some ripped ankle grazer jeans. I am desperate to get my hands on them, in an array of colours...mainly black, white & multicoloured glitter. I think they are so lightweight & generally just a bit of fun, I mean who really gives a fuck about a 23 year old wear jelly shoes really?! Not me! Finally my last black wardrobe addition which is so basic & I believe every lady should have....black pointed courts. They can smarted up a casual skinny jean day or sex up a little black slipdress. Not only do they make your legs seem elongated but there is something elegant about them at the same time. Defiantly nodding a bit of homage to Audrey Hepburn.  

Bright & dewy.....

So today I decided to venture out of the house & have a stroll around some shops, I wasn't looking for anything in particular but with the tiny bit of sunshine that decided to pop out from behind the clouds, I couldn't help but to think of summer. This winter has been filled with copious amounts of boring makeup looks & anything that will hide my dull dry winter skin, but no....this summer will be different. I will be that bronzed, tanned, dewy, glowing goddess with flawless skin (as goddess like a 5ft4 pale Welshy can be!). I'm fed up of Benefits highbeam & wanted something a bit different, now don't get me wrong I love my highlight in my Sleek contour kit but I just wanted something a bit different, something I wouldn't normally go for. After 15 minutes of aimlessly walking around Boots & getting distracted by anything with a slight shimmer, I came across the Soap & Glory makeup stand, I've never tried anything from the Soap & Glory make-up line but LOVE their bath & skin care products. After happily swatching for 5 minutes I found Peach Party, it's somewhere in between a highlighter & blush and priced at £11.00 it had to be mine! I love the various of colours & defiantly think this would suit the majority of skin tones, especially olive & darker skin tones. 

Whilst wondering around I stumbled around the Revlon stand, much to my displeasure it looked like some small child (I hope it was a child not a gross adult!) had put their finger/tried on EVERY product in the entire range, but found these new Colorburst matte balms, I swatched the shades Striking Spectacle & Showy Flamboyante, They are gorgeous shades especially Showy Flamboyante, I've never owned anything this shade & although part of me was scared to try it on, I actually think it's a lovely unique colour. Both priced at £7.99 which I think is quite fair for the amount of product your getting. I love the fact they are packaged as some sort of giant pencil which allows for a more precise application, now all these pros there must be some cons your thinking. But actually I have nothing bad to say! The longevity of this product is really good (I went on to wear this for the rest of the day as well as eating a meal, & true to the name it didn't budge!) considering it's a matte product it doesn't dry your lips out or leave them looking chalky which is always a bonus! I for sure will be sporting these this summer, especially teamed with the Soap & Glory Peach Party & fairly nude eyes. 

Wearing Showy Flamboyant on left & Striking Spectacle on the right & Peach Party in both.

There is hope.....

I have avoided this post for quite some time, I haven't even looked at my blog because I knew it would be inevitable that I would obviously have to explain my absence. I'm now a year older and living with a void. A void that quite simply will never ever be filled.

For the most part I am a happy, bubbly, bright, creative person, & I am all these things because of two people, my Father & my Grandpa. Two of the most amazing men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and spending time with. It pains me to bring myself to write this but my Dad, my Father, the main part of my life, the person who rang me every day, the person that made me tea every morning, the person that cuddled me when I cried, the person that drove all over Britain to take me on photography adventures, the person that watched films with me that no-one else would, the person that stood in the garden in the dark with me in the winter to take long exposure photos, the person that hollowed pumpkins with me on halloween, the person that swam two miles out to sea with me in Ibiza so I could snorkel, the person that took me kayaking in the sea, the person that took me to college in the rain when I didn't want to wait at the bus stop, the person that used to laugh at stupid things with me and the person that fundamentally meant the world to me.....is gone. My Dad, my amazing Father passed away on holiday in Greece on September the 5th 2013. 

I.......I don't know what to say or what to tell you. I'm crying & trying to write but it's hard. Life is hard.

People lie to you when they say "it will get better"....it doesn't. Life doesn't get better, you don't forget, you constantly pine for something you can never have and sorry be blunt but it's fucking shit. Life is shit. You can have everything, a beautiful home, a gorgeous fiance, a furry little family of cats and a dog, but the one thing that you want, you can't have. I will never have a phone call from my Dad again, I will never hear his voice again, He won't ever annoy me by nagging me to get him Joes Ice cream again, he won't ever ring me on my birthday at 6AM to sing happy birthday to me again. I can't put in to words how much I miss him, and from September the 5th 2013 I felt like nothing would ever be the same again.

But today, the 6th of May 2014, I felt something happen. I felt happy, I felt like the world isn't that rubbish after all. I could hear the birds tweeting & singing...& I felt happy, really happy. I haven't taken anti depressant tablets since January & only now does it feel like I've woken up from a terrible nightmare.

Yes life will never been the same again, but my Dad wouldn't want me to sit here aging each year having nothing to show for it. Life is hard, & sometimes it feels like I have nothing left to give, but I do. I am a good person, I am happy, I am creative, I am caring, I am honest, I am loyal & I am ME. I'm not going to wear a fake smile anymore or be the person I think My Mother wants me to be because that'll make everyone happy to see me smiling & thinking "awh isn't it nice that she's happy even with her Dad gone"....no, I'm not happy that my Dads not hear but I have to deal with it. Just like the rest of the world gets delt a shit hand every single day. I'm not OK but I am happy &  I am thankful that I Martyn quite possibly one of the most caring & amazing people in the world, my Dad loved Martyn like he was a son & I know that I will be OK and Life does get easier.

I felt compelled to sit & write this blog post, I have no idea why, & I don't really care if anyone reads it but there is something about writing all this down that feel better, like there is a small weight lifted.

If someone does happen to read this and you have lost someone amazing, I won't lie to you, it's not going to be ok.....but it does get easier. & when you're at your at your darkest, just think of what that person would think or say to you, there are two things my Dad always used to say to me "don't lose hope" & "don't let the bastards get you down".....fuck everyone else & do what makes YOU happy. I've learnt to appreciate the little things in life, & as long as you are happy then there is always hope & light.
 I can look at photos without crying, I can think of happy memories & laugh & one thing I know for sure is my Dad loved me being creative & using my energy to be creative  I will be. I will blog more, I will go on photography adventures again, I will pain & get messy & I will be happy.

Sorry for how long this post was, & how it's not filled with beautiful fashion or make-up but life is about so so much more, and this blog won't be filled with nonsense posts on what the beast blusher is on the high street & full of shit I've been sent in the post to "review", this is MY blog, & it will be filled with me & things that make me happy.

Also my blog is renamed Little Babe, only two people call me Babe and that's my Dad & Martyn....they also happen to be two of the tallest people I know both standing at over 6FT so it just seemed perfect.

Moving on......

So as some of you may know (those of you who follow me on Instagram) I am currently in the process of moving house. We're leaving out little one bedroom apartment & taking our small furry family to a spacious two bedroom cottage with a large garden & gorgeous views. I am extremely excited & I'm already purchasing items & getting prepared to move in & decorate. I'm bargain hurting, charity shopping & compiling mood boards like my life depends on it. I'm excited for the change & the fresh new feeling of having somewhere new to put our stamp on. I plan on doing a home tour video once I'm moved in & think everything is finished, I personally love seeing other bloggers homes & getting a taste & inspiration from their ideas & style. Now that I've finished writing this I can barley contain my excitement & feel like I immediately need to browse Zara Home & H&M to find some lovelies. I hope everyone is well & I'll keep you all updated on the move :)